September 20, 1999
Question: How do you get down from an elephant? Answer: You don't get down from an elephant, you get it from a goose.
September 27, 1999
What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?
October 4, 1999
A man encounters a pirate in a bar. They strike up a conversation, and the man asks the pirate how he suffered his various injuries. "Arrgh, I lost me leg fighting over buried treasure in the tropics. I lost me ear in a barroom fight with another pirate -- he bit me ear right off." The other man points to the pirate's arm and asks, "How'd you get the hook for an arm?" The pirate replies, "Arrgh, I lost me arm when a winch tore it off in a terrible storm at sea." "And how did you lose your eye?" The pirate says, "Arrgh, I had a terrible itch in me eye." "You lost your sight because of an itch?" The pirate explains: "Aye, it was me first day with the hook."
October 11, 1999
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a gin ........ and tonic." The bartender replies, "what's with the big pause?" (Thanks to Prof. Baker for this joke.)
October 18, 1999
A horse walks into a tavern and strides up to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what's with the long face?" (Thanks to David Kronenberg for this joke.)
October 25, 1999
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
November 1, 1999
Two guys walked into a bar. They should have ducked. (Thanks to Stephen Pavkovic for this joke.)
November 8, 1999
A hot dog walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
November 15, 1999
Question: Where does a test tube baby live? Answer: In a womb with a view. (Thanks to Pauline Afuso for this joke.)
November 22, 1999
Question: What did the termite say when he walked into the tavern? Answer: Is the bar tender here? (Thanks to Mary Sarlitto for this joke.)
November 29, 1999
Andrew: Dad, do your socks have holes in them? Dad: No, they don't. Andrew: Well then, how do you get your feet in them? (Thanks to Andrew Sowle, age 9, for this joke.)
December 6, 1999
A guy complains to his psychiatrist that he's been having strange dreams. "One night I dream I'm a teepee, the next night I dream I'm a wigwam -- every night, either a teepee or a wigwam. It's really starting to get to me." The psychiatrist responds, "It's clear what your problem is. You're two tents!"
January 17, 2000
Click here for a visual "joke of the week."
January 24, 2000
Question: What do you call 100 rabbits jumping backwards in unison? Answer: A receding hare line. (Thanks to Maureen Stimming for this joke.)
February 7, 2000
Question: What do you call the small rivers that flow into the Nile River? Answer: Juveniles.
February 14, 2000
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
February 21, 2000
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
February 28, 2000
"Hello, is this the Fire Department?" "Yes." "My house is on fire -- you have to get here right away!" "Okay, how do we get to your house?" "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"
March 6, 2000
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" "No, thanks. When I drink coffee, I can't sleep." "Huhh. In my case it's the other way around -- when I sleep, I can't drink coffee."
March 13, 2000
Passenger: Excuse me, does this bus go to Springfield? Bus driver: No, this bus goes "beep beep."
March 20, 2000
Son: Dad, I have to go out. Could you do my homework for me? Dad: I'm sorry, son, but it just wouldn't be right. Son: Well, maybe not, but could you give it a try anyway?
March 27, 2000
A snail got beat up by two turtles. The snail went to the police, who asked, "did you get a good look at the two turtles?" The snail replied, "no, it all happened so fast."
April 3, 2000
Knock-knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No they don't -- they go "moo"!
April 10, 2000
A farmer was milking his cow when he saw a fly enter the cow's right ear. After a few minutes, a fly popped out of the cow's udder and into the milk pail. Looking closely, the farmer was amazed to discover that it was the same fly that he'd seen go into the cow's ear. The moral? Sometimes things go in one ear and out the udder.
April 17, 2000
Darth Vader: LUKE SKYWALKER, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I FELT YOUR PRESENTS.
April 24, 2000
A grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper replies, "why in the world would you name a drink 'Pete'?"
May 1, 2000
Question: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Two -- one to hold the giraffe, the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.
May 8, 2000
Question: Why couldn't the pony talk? Answer: He was a little horse.
May 22 and May 29, 2000
Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holstein cattle into space? It was the herd shot 'round the world.
June 5 and June 12, 2000
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a martini. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."
June 19 and June 26, 2000
Question: If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the biggest of the three? Answer: The baby, because he'd be a little Bigger!
July 3 and July 10, 2000
"I was in Mercy, Australia, recently and was served tea made from the hair of a koala bear." "You're kidding! How was it?" "Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!" "Well, you know, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
August 21, 2000
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, suspiciously, "is this some kind of joke?"
August 28, 2000
Question: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Answer: I don't know and frankly, I don't care.
September 4, 2000
One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on the door and is surprised to see the same snail. The snail says, "Hey what did you do that for?!"
September 11, 2000
An optimist sees a glass as half full. A pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
September 18, 2000
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After a while, the hotel manager came out and asked them to disperse, explaining, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
September 25, 2000
A guy goes to his doctor, who has bad news for him. "I'm sorry to say that you have a fatal disease." "Oh, that's awful! I want a second opinion!" "OK, you're ugly too!"
October 2, 2000
A guy gets a call from his doctor, who says, "I have bad news, and worse news. The bad news is that your test results came back and they showed you only have 36 hours to live." The guy responds, "Oh, my God! What could possibly be worse than that!" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
October 9, 2000
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender, who made sure that the drink was waiting for the doctor when he arrived, was dismayed one day to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts. The doctor came in, took one sip, and protested that it wasn't his normal drink. The bartender explained that he'd run out of hazelnut and said, "so this is a hickory daiquiri, doc."
October 16, 2000
Question: If you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Answer: European! Question: And what are you when you're going into the bathroom? Answer: You're a Russian!
October 23, 2000
Question: How much dirt is in a hole 6 feet deep, 4 feet wide, and 2 feet across? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
October 30, 2000
An unemployed handyman looking for work jobs knocks on the front door of a house. When the owner answers, the handyman asks if there are any odd jobs the owner needs done. The owner says, "well, I was just about to paint my porch around back. I'd pay you good money to do it for me." The handyman agrees, and the owner gives him a bucket of green paint and a clean paint brush. A little while later the handyman knocks on the front door again and annoucnes that he's done. "But there's something you should know," he says. "That car of yours isn't a Porche, it's a BMW."
November 6, 2000
A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink. When the drink arrives, the neutron asks how much he owes. The bartender says, "for you, no charge."
November 13, 2000
Here's one for the philosophers out there: Rene Descartes is drinking with friends in a bar. At the last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not" -- and disappears.
November 20, 2000
A 92-year-old man and his 90-year-old wife go to their lawyer's office. The lawyer is astounded when they tell him they want to get a divorce. "But you've been married for 70 years! What in the world could make you want a divorce at this stage in your lives?" "Well," says the wife, "we've been thinking about this for years, but wanted to wait until the children were dead."
November 27, 2000
A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. When he finishes, he pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda shouts back, "Hey, I'm a panda -- look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A bear-like black and white animal native to mountainous regions of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves."
December 4, 2000
Question: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Answer: Because he felt kind of crumby.
December 11, 2000
Doctor: What's wrong with your brother? Boy: He thinks he's a chicken. Doctor: Really? How long has he thought this? Boy: About three years. Doctor: Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner? Boy: We would have, but we needed the eggs.
January 15, 2001
Question: How can you get four suits for a dollar? Answer: Buy a deck of cards!
January 22, 2001
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a guy in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
February 5, 2001
A guy calls his doctor and says, "Doc, I broke my arm in two places! What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, I certainly wouldn't go back to either of those places."
February 12, 2001
A guy goes to his doctor complaining of a stomach ache that won't go away. The doctor gives him a thong and tells him to chew it every day for twenty minutes until the thong is completely eaten. A couple of weeks later, the patient shows up at his doctor's office again. "Did you eat the thong?," asks the doctor. The patient replies, "yes, the thong is gone, but the malady lingers on."
February 19, 2001
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom replies, "what's the problem? I'm a fun guy."
February 26, 2001
A dumb guy goes to the library and checks out a book titled "How to Hug." Only after he gets home does he realize that he checked out volume 6 of the encyclopedia.
March 5, 2001
Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.
March 12, 2001
Question: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Answer: Because 7 8 9.
March 19, 2001
Question: What is the capital of Arkansas? Answer: A.
March 26, 2001
Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: That's an interesting question. What do you think?
April 2, 2001
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.
April 9, 2001
Question: What do you get when you cross a judge with poison ivy? Answer: Rash decisions.
April 16, 2001
Question: Why did the dog cross the road twice? Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang.
April 23, 2001
Question: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? Answer: A-flat minor.
April 30, 2001
A guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while visiting his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu, he tells the waiter, "I'll have the Eggs Benedict." When his order comes, it's served on a large, shiny hubcap. The customer asks, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter replies, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
May 7, 2001
Questions: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Two -- one to change it, and one not to change it.
May 14, 2001
A guy goes into a bookstore and asks the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She replies, "If I told you that, it would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"
May 21 and May 28, 2001
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
June 4 and June 11, 2001
Did you hear about the mystic and the hot dog vendor? The mystic said, "make me one with everything."
June 18 and June 25, 2001
Question: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? Answer: Dam!
July 2 and July 9, 2001
Question: Why did the dentist and the manicurist get a divorce? Answer: They kept fighting tooth and nail.
July 16 and July 23, 2001
Question: Why do they put bells on cows? Answer: Because their horns don't work.
August 20, 2001
A guy complains to his psychiatrist that he's been having strange dreams. "One night I dream I'm a Porsche, the next night I dream I'm a Trans Am -- every night, I'm some kind of sports car. It's really starting to get to me." The psychiatrist responds, "Relax, you're just having an auto-body experience."
August 27, 2001
A patient says to his doctor, "You've got to help me. I keep dreaming that I'm Donald Duck, then the next night I dream I'm Mickey Mouse. What's going on?" The doctor replies, "That's very interesting -- how long have you been having these disney spells?"
September 3, 2001
A guy goes to his doctor for a check-up. After conducting a thorough examination, the doctor says, "I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left." "Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" asks the patient. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" the patient asks desparately. The doctor continues, "...nine, eight, seven...."
September 10, 2001
A guy rushes into his doctor's office and shouts, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responds, "Please settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
October 1, 2001
Question: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
October 8, 2001
Historical evidence shows that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all of the relevant league records were destroyed long ago in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
October 15, 2001
Doctor: My word, what happened to you? You look awful. Patient: Well, doctor, you told me to take this medicine for three days, then skip a day -- and all that skipping really wore me out!
October 22, 2001
Question: What's black and white and green, and black and white? Answer: Two zebras fighting over a pickle.
October 29, 2001
Question: Why are jack-o'-lanterns usually smiling? Answer: If you had the contents of your head scooped out, you'd have a stupid grin on your face too!
November 5, 2001
A guy walks into his doctor's office. He has a sausage sticking out of his ear, a waffle stuck under his arm, and bacon lodged in his nose. He asks worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me!" The doctor replies, "the problem is clear -- you're not eating properly!"
November 12, 2001
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.
November 19, 2001
A patient says to his therapist, "I've had this strange feeling that I'm actually a bridge." The therapists remarks, "That's odd -- what's come over you?" The patient responds, "So far, five cars, two trucks, and a bus."
November 26, 2001
Question: What's bright orange and sounds like a parrot? Answer: A carrot!
December 3, 2001
A guy once entered a pun contest. He send in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
December 10, 2001
Customer: Could I have a Game Boy for my son? Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't do exchanges.
January 14, 2002
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." The bartender gives him a drink. After the guy finishes the drink, he says again, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." This happens a couple of more times, and finally the bartender asks, "When is the trouble going to start?" The guy responds, "The trouble starts as soon as you realize I don't have any money."
January 21, 2002
Question: Why did the dog lie down in the shade? Answer: He didn't want to be a hot dog. Question: Why did the cat lie down in the shade? Answer: She wanted to be a cool cat. (Thanks to Philipe Couloute for this joke.)
January 28, 2002
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
February 4, 2002
Patient: Doc, I think my tonsils need to be taken out. Doctor: Fine, I'll make the reservations -- dinner and a movie OK?
February 11, 2002
Question: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: To get to the other side.
February 25, 2002
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
March 4, 2002
Why is the alphabet in that order -- is it because of that song?
Jane: Where does your mother come from? Joe: Alaska. Jane: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself.
Two guys were discovered shouting "together! together!" in the woods. When asked what they were doing, one of the guys responded, "we were lost, and we thought we'd have a better chance of being found if we yelled together."
April 1, 2002
A man calls the hospital, saying frantically, "My wife is in labor -- please send an ambulance!" The nurse tells the man to relax and asks, "Is this her first child?" The man responds, "No! This is her husband!"
A young boy decided to surprise his mother by bringing her a cup of coffee in bed. He'd made the coffee himself and was very proud. His mother tasted the coffee and almost spat it out, it was so bad. As she forced down the last sip, she discovered three little toy soldiers at the bottom. When she asked about this, her son said, "you know, mom -- 'the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
April 15, 2002
A guy wakes up after surgery and notices that the blinds are drawn. When he asks why, his doctor says, "There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.
April 22, 2002
A guy goes to his doctor complaining that his arm hurts. The doctor rolls up the guy's sleeve and is surprised to hear the arm say, "Hi, doctor, could you lend me $20? I'm desperate!" The doctor turns to his patient and says, "I see the problem -- your arm is broke!"
April 29, 2002
Did you hear about the ship that ran aground with a cargo of red paint and black paint? The whole crew was marooned.
May 6, 2002
Question: What do you get when you combine a bird, a car, and a dog? Answer: A flying car-pet!
May 13, 2002
Question: What did the farmer say when he discovered his tractor was missing? Answer: "My tractor is missing! "
July 1 and July 8, 2002
Question: What kind of cheese would you use to build a house? Answer: Cottage cheese, of course!
July 15 and July 22, 2002
Question: What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Answer: Poultry in motion.
August 19, 2002
Question: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Answer: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
August 26, 2002
Question: Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Answer: Because they're two-tired.
September 2, 2002
Question: What happens when you through a grenade into a kitchen in France? Answer: You get Linoleum Blownapart!
September 9, 2002
Question: What's brown and sticky? Answer: A stick!
September 16, 2002
Question: What do you call a short fortune-teller who escapes from prison? Answer: A small medium at large!
September 23, 2002
Question: What fruit do bugs fear the most? Answer: Squash!
September 30, 2002
Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't straighten her pupils out!
October 7, 2002
Did you hear about the guy who jumped of a Paris bridge? He was in Seine.
October 28, 2002
A dog goes into a Western Union office and dictates the following telegram: "woof woof woof, woof woof woof, woof woof woof." The clerk says, "that's only 9 woofs -- if you want, you can add another woof at no additional charge." The dog looks at him and says, "but then the message would make no sense at all!"
November 11, 2002
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
November 18, 2002
Question: Why do heroes wear big shoes? Answer: Because of their amazing feats!
January 20, 2003
Question: What do marathon runners with bad footwear suffer? Answer: The agony of defeat.
February 17, 2003
Question: How many ears does Spock have? Answer: Three -- one on the right, one on the left, and the final "front ear."
February 24, 2003
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great.
March 10, 2003
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
March 17, 2003
Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation, his patient woke up and demanded to close his own incision. The surgeon shrugged, handed him the needle, and said, "suture self"?
March 31, 2003
Driving to work, a guy had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting a box that fell off a truck in front of him. The box broke open, spilling its contents -- a supply of carpet tacks -- all over the road. A police trooper who witnessed the event approached the driver and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked, "What for?" The trooper replied, "tacks evasion."
July 7 and July 14, 2003
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)
August 18, 2003
Did you hear about the woman who was dating a tractor salesman? They broke up when she wrote him a John Deere letter.
August 25, 2003
A young man facing a murder charge decided to bribe a kindly-looking juror to hold out for a manslaughter verdict. After a long trial and and even longer jury deliberation, the jury indeed returned a verdict of manslaughter. Before being led off to prison, the young man had a moment to talk with the juror he'd bribed. "Thank you so much," he said. "How did you do it?" The juror replied, "it wasn't easy. They all wanted to acquit you!"
September 1, 2003
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
September 8, 2003
Question: What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? Answer: You get repossessed.
September 22, 2003
Question: What do you call two dumb guys with Ph.D.'s? Answer: A paradox.
September 29, 2003
(Here's one for the computer geeks out there.) Question: What do you call a Local Area Network in Australia? Answer: The LAN down under!
October 6, 2003
Patient: Doctor, I think I've turned into a pair of curtains. Doctor: Pull yourself together, man!
October 13, 2003
Question: What did the the snail say while riding on the turtle's back? Answer: WEEEEEEEEEE! (Thanks to Chad Clemons for this joke.)
October 20, 2003
Question: What do you get when you cross a helicopter, an elephant, and a rhinocerous? Answer: Helephino! (say it out loud)
October 27, 2003
Question: What time is it when Sir Lancelot looks at his belly button? Answer: The middle of the Knight!
November 3, 2003
Question: What does a pumpkin wear when it tries to quit smoking? Answer: A pumpkin patch!
November 10, 2003
Question: How do you define "plateau"? Answer: It's a high form of flattery!
November 17, 2003
Did you hear about the eye doctor who moved to Alaska? He's now an optical Aleutian. (Thanks to Kimberly Myers for this joke.)
November 24, 2003
First baker: That's great bread -- can I have the recipe? Second baker: Sorry, but I only share that on a knead to know basis.
December 1, 2003
If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?
December 8, 2003
"My favorite form of motion is the car. I love cars. It's the greatest physical object I've ever seen. I don't know why, really. My only theory is: When you're driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that's something." (Jerry Seinfeld)
January 19, 2004
Question: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years? Answer: Click here.
January 26, 2004
A dumb guy is walking along a river when he sees another dumb guy on the other side. The first guy yells, "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?" The second guy rolls his eyes and responds, "YOU IDIOT, YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE!"
February 2, 2004
"When I turned two I was really anxious because I doubled my age in a year. I thought, 'if this keeps up, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.'" (Steven Wright)
February 9, 2004
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot." (Jay Leno)
March 1, 2004
"Why do they bother saying 'raw' sewage? Do some people cook that stuff?" (George Carlin)
March 8, 2004
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R." (Dennis Miller)
March 15, 2004
Question: What happened when the frog broke down? Answer: He got toad away!
March 22, 2004
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting, he hears little voices saying things like, "You really look nice in that suit," and "what an attractive hair cut." He mentions this to the bartender, who says, "Oh, that's just the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
March 29, 2004
Question: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin pi!
April 5, 2004
A trucker is driving a group of penguins to the zoo. Suddenly, his truck breaks down and he is forced to pull over to the side of the road. He flags down a farmer driving by in his van and says, "I'll give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo." The farmer accepts, loads the penguins in the van, and drives off. A few hours later, while the trucker is repairing his truck, he sees the farmer drive by with the penguins still in the back of his van. The trucker shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo!" The farmer replies, "Well, I took them to the zoo, but then I had some money left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
April 12, 2004
Question: What would you get if all the cars in the United States were red? Answer: A red car nation!
April 19, 2004
Patient: Doctor, I can't get this song out of my head and it's driving me crazy. I keep hearing, "It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home." Doctor: Hmm...that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. Patient: I've never heard of it. Doctor: Well, it's not unusual....
April 26, 2004
Question: What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic? Answer: Sanka.
May 3, 2004
Question: What's ET short for? Answer: Because he's got little legs!
May 10, 2004
Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common? Answer: Their middle names.
May 17, 2004
Did you hear about the guy they found face down in the bathtub covered in Cheerios and milk? The police said it was the work of a cereal killer.
May 24, 2004
Question: What kind of car do Supreme Court justices drive? Answer: Judicial Fiats!
July 19 and July 26, 2004
Two muffins are in the oven. The first muffin says, "Hey, isn't it getting kind of hot in here?" The second muffin replies, "Oh my goodness, it's a talking muffin!"
August 2 and August 9, 2004
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!'" (Richard Jeni)
August 16, 2004
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" (Steven Wright)
August 23, 2004
"While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere." (Auggie Cook)
August 30, 2004
"Somewhere on the globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." (Sam Levenson)
September 6, 2004
"They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life. Oh, well." (Drew Carey)
September 13, 2004
"Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, 'Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?'" (Gilbert Gottfried)
September 20, 2004
Two hydrogen atoms are walking together. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other one says, "Are you sure?" The first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
September 27, 2004
After a long and happy life, Angus MacDonald died. His widow called the local paper, requesting that a death notice be published. Ever frugal, she asked that the notice simply state, "Angus is dead." The newspaper editor told her that death notices had to be a minimum of six words. "Fine," she replied. "Make it: 'Angus is dead; Volvo for sale.'"
October 4, 2004
"In my next life I want to come back as a weatherman. That way I can be dead wrong 80 percent of the time and not get fired." (Tony Kornheiser)
October 11, 2004
"When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.'" (Rodney Dangerfield -- In Memoriam)
October 18, 2004
There once was a mendicant holy man who walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him large callouses on his feet. He also ate very sparingly, which made him frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath. In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
October 25, 2004
"One good reason to maintain only a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim." (George Carlin)
November 1, 2004
A guy took his cross-eyed dog to the vet and asked, "Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet picked the dog up and peered into his eyes. "I'm going to have to put him down," the vet said finally. "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asked the owner. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet.
November 8, 2004
Two cows are in a field. One turns to the other and says, "I'm worried about getting mad cow disease." The other cows replies, "Don't worry, we're giraffes!"
November 22, 2004
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night." (Steven Wright)
December 6, 2004
"I like dogs. I do. But they're not that bright, really. Let's examine the dog mind. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. 'He's back again. It's that guy! It's that guy!'" (Jerry Seinfeld)
December 13, 2004
Question: Why did the chicken Jim Morrison cross the road? Answer: To break on through to the other side.
January 17, 2005
Question: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? Answer: A buccaneer.
January 24, 2005
"We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon." (Paula Poundstone)
January 31, 2005
"Some sad news from Australia. The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today." (Johnny Carson)
February 7, 2005
A story told about Calvin Coolidge, known as "Silent Cal": A young woman won a trip to Washington as a prize. She was introduced to President Coolidge; as she shook hands with him, she said, "Mr. President, my father bet me ten dollars I wouldn't get three words out of you." The President looked at her and said, "You lose."
February 14, 2005
"When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually." (Steven Wright)
February 21, 2005
A barrel of rainwater weighs twenty pounds. What must you add to make it weigh fifteen pounds? (Click here for answer.)
February 28, 2005
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." (Hunter S. Thompson, in memoriam)
March 14, 2005
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
March 21, 2005
"Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He goes, 'Not in a row!'" (Steven Wright)
March 28, 2005
"A band of 937 yodelers in Germany set a new world record for the largest simultaneous yodel by holding their melody for a full minute. The yodelers inadvertently set another world record, for Worst Minute." (Jimmy Fallon)
April 4, 2005
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." (Mitch Hedberg)
April 11, 2005
"Robert DeNiro...supercool. Guitars...always cool. Robert DeNiro holding a guitar...surprisingly uncool." (Tina Fey)
April 18, 2005
"China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you." (A. Whitney Brown)
April 25, 2005
"Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made." (George Burns)
May 2, 2005
"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." (Jerry Seinfeld)
May 9, 2005
"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours." (Rita Rudner)
May 16, 2005
"Hard work pays off in the end, but laziness pays off now." (Al Lubel)
May 23 and May 30, 2005
"On the other hand ... you have different fingers." (Steven Wright)
June 20 and June 27, 2005
"The government is telling us in order to avoid West Nile virus that we should not play with dead, infected birds. There go my weekend plans!" (Jay Leno)
July 4 and July 11, 2005
Question: Why do stars wake up at night? Answer: Because they have to twinkle. (Thanks to my son Zachary for this joke.)
August 1 and August 8, 2005
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." (Emo Philips)
August 15, 2005
In honor of our new Legislative Process course, here are a few "dumb laws" on the books in Illinois (according to the Dumb Laws web site):
*You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
*You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
*You may not eat in a place that is on fire (Chicago only).
(I suspect some of these laws could be challenged on grounds of desuetude.)
August 22, 2005
"Tourists, have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, 'Pay? I was hitchhiking.'" (David Letterman)
August 29, 2005
Question: How many paranoiacs does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?!
September 5, 2005
If at first you don't succeed, stay away from skydiving.
September 12, 2005
"Sprint is now offering a service that is 'talking e-mail.' What is this? Didn't that used to be called a phone call?" (Jay Leno)
September 19, 2005
"Keith Richards doesn't strike me as a morning person." (Tom Ryan)
September 26, 2005
Question: What do you call a camel without a hump? Answer: Humphrey.
October 3, 2005
"I think the Brady Bill is working. I was in New York and I heard a guy say, 'Give me your wallet, or I'll blow your brains out in five business days.'" (Jonathan Katz)
October 10, 2005
"The Miranda rights, as I see them: You have the right to remain silent, and to wear bananas on your head." (Joy Behar) [If you're too young to get this, do a Google image search of "Carmen Miranda."]
October 17, 2005
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'" (George Carlin)
October 24, 2005
"I'm shopping, and I caught this guy who's comparing apples and oranges. So I walked over and said, 'Hey, you can't do that.' He said, 'Why not?' 'Because it would be like . . . forget it.'" (James Leemer)
October 31, 2005
Why can't a scientist tell a joke timing.
November 7, 2005
"Do you really appreciate igneous rock? Or do you just take it for granite?" (Thanks to Matt Cavanaugh for this joke.)
November 14, 2005
"Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics." (Scott Wood)
November 21, 2005
"You know, a male turkey and a male cat are both called Toms. I don't need that kind of confusion on Thanksgiving." (Reno Goodale)
December 5, 2005
Question: What did Hamlet say when he found the liniment? Answer: Aye, there's the rub! (Thanks to Matt Cavanaugh for this joke.)
December 12, 2005
Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? Answer: An offer you can't understand.
December 19, 2005
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to a waiter, "I'd like a cup of coffee please, with no cream." The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
January 16, 2006
"Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself." (Jane Wagner)
January 23, 2006
Question: What do you call a fish with no eyes? Answer: A fsh.
January 30, 2006
Question: How many software programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: None -- that's a hardware problem.
February 6, 2006
"I suffer from two phobias: (1) Phobia-phobia -- the fear you're unable to get scared, and (2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia -- the fear of not pronouncing words correctly." (Brad Stine)
February 13, 2006
"Comedy premise one hundred years in the future: 'So, I was at the Rolling Stones farewell tour....'" (Nick Arnette)
February 20, 2006
"I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn't feel any better but I could stop the car with my feet." (Joan St. Once)
February 27, 2006
"When I put on my acid-washed jeans, I started having flashbacks." (Nick Arnette)
March 6, 2006
Question: Why do elephants drink so much? Answer: To try to forget.
March 20, 2006
Question: What do cannibals do at weddings? Answer: They toast the bride and groom.
March 27, 2006
A guy walked into a bank and asked the teller to check his balance. So she pushed him.
April 3, 2006
A guy went to the optometrist's office. "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes," he said. The receptionist asked, "Have you seen a doctor?" "No," the guy replied, "just the spots."
April 10, 2006
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling." (Paula Poundstone)
April 17, 2006
Ever wonder about those people who spend 2 dollars for a little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
April 24, 2006
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage." (H.L. Mencken)
May 8, 2006
Question: Why do anarchists drink horrible tea? Answer: Because proper tea is theft!
May 15, 2006
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving -- you need a parachute to go skydiving twice. (Thanks to Bill Mette for this joke.)
June 5 and June 12, 2006
Did you hear about the thieves who broke into the police station and stole all the toilets? The police say they have nothing to go on.
June 19 and June 26, 2006
"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of golf clubs." (Henny Youngman)
July 3 and July 10, 2006
Question: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Answer: Pumpkin pi.
July 17 and July 24, 2006
Question: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Answer: He heard that the referee was calling fowls.
July 31 and August 7, 2006
A guy shows up in a doctor's office and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!" The doctor says, "I don't think I can help you -- you need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?" The guy replies, "Your light was on."
August 14, 2006
A farmer is driving a manure cart, which breaks down in front of the county mental hospital. A patient leans out of the window and shouts, "What's that manure for?" The farmer says, "I'm going to put it on my strawberries." The patients, responds, "We may be crazy in here, but we put whipped cream on ours!"
August 21, 2006
Question: What's the definition of a lawyer? Answer: A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
August 28, 2006
"Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog).
September 4, 2006
Question: Did you hear about the cannibal restaurant? Answer: Yeah, I heard it costs an arm and a leg! (In honor of Regina v. Dudley & Stephens.)
September 11, 2006
"Whoever invented bungee jumping must have watched a lot of Road Runner cartoons." (Nick Arnette)
September 18, 2006
"Gone fission!" --Sign found on the atom's door after he split.
September 25, 2006
"My boyfriend is a personal trainer who takes diet very seriously. He told me, 'You need to go on the Caveman Diet: protein and fats. There were no fat cavemen.' Yeah? What about Fred Flintstone?" (Maura Kennedy)
October 2, 2006
"Two women broke a Guinness world record by spending twelve days in a room with 888 snakes. Apparently, the record was for the two dumbest women in one room." (Conan O'Brien)
October 9, 2006
(This week's joke is considered a scream in physics circles.) Werner Heisenberg was pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
October 16, 2006
A teacher asks her students where they went on vacation. Timmy says, "my family went to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania." "That's very interesting," says the teacher. "Please spell 'Punxsutawney' for the class." Timmy thinks for a moment, then says, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
October 23, 2006
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." (Woody Allen)
October 30, 2006
"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head. I hope it's not hereditary." (Steven Wright)
November 6, 2006
Question: Why are robots so brave? Answer: They have nerves of steel.
November 13, 2006
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
November 20, 2006
Question: How do you make a turkey float? Answer: A couple of scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a lot of turkey!
November 27, 2006
Question: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be most known for? Answer: Their incredible age!
December 4, 2006
Question: What do you call the fear of a fat man in a red suit in a confined space? Answer: Santaclaustrophobia.
December 11, 2006
The two rules for success in business are: (1) Never tell them everything you know.
December 18, 2006
"Life is a near-death experience." (George Carlin)
January 22, 2007
Patient: Doctor, I just swallowed a pillow! Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
January 29, 2007
"When I was a kid we made money by going to the houses of people who hadn't shoveled their snow, slipping, and suing them." (Bill Braudis)
February 5, 2007
"Men think they're more important than women because their jackets have secret inside pockets." (Rita Rudner)
February 12, 2007
Two flies were hanging out. One turns to the other and says, "hey fly, your dude is down."
February 19, 2007
Question: What do you feed a teddy bear? Answer: Nothing -- it's already stuffed.
February 26, 2007
Did you hear about the dolphin who threatened to kill himself? He decided life had no porpoise.
March 5, 2007
From the 1920 edition of The Transcript, the annual yearbook for Chicago-Kent: Judge Kavanagh, while trying a case, was disturbed by a young man who kept moving things about in the rear of the courtroom. “Young man, you are making a good deal of noise. What are you doing?” The young man replied, “Your Honor, I have lost my gloves, and am trying to find them.” To which Judge Kavanagh replied, “Well, people often lose whole suits in here without making all that disturbance.” (Thanks to Prof. Ralph Brill for this golden oldie.)
March 19, 2007
From the 1922 edition of the Chicago-Kent annual yearbook: Lawyer: Tell the court the exact words the defendant used. Witness: They are not fit for gentlemen to hear. Lawyer: In that case, whisper them to the judge. (Thanks again to Prof. Ralph Brill for this blast from the past.)
March 26, 2007
Question: Is it true a crocodile won't eat a man carrying a flashlight? Answer: It depends on how fast he's carrying the flashlight!
April 2, 2007
"I didn't invent the hypothetical situation, but let's just suppose for a second that I did." (Auggie Cook)
April 16, 2007
Question: What was the name of the heftiest Knight of the Round Table? Answer: Sir Cumference!
April 23, 2007
"I took up meditation. I like to have an espresso first just to make it more interesting." (Betsy Salkind)
May 7, 2007
Question: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big? Answer: Because he just got the phone bill.
May 14, 2007
What's the definition of adamant? The very first insect.
May 21 & 28, 2007
There are three kinds of people -- those who can count, and those who can't.
June 18 & June 25, 2007
"I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time." (Steven Wright)
July 2 & July 9, 2007
"I bought all of those Jane Fonda videos. I love to sit and eat cookies and watch them." (Dolly Parton)
July 30 & August 6, 2007
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings." (Ed Gardner)
August 20, 2007
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one." Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
September 3, 2007
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." (Lily Tomin)
September 10, 2007
Question: What do you call an unemployed jester? Answer: Nobody's fool.
September 17, 2007
"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." (Paul Ehrlich)
September 24, 2007
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, it's been a good day." (Emo Philips)
October 1, 2007
Question: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Two - one to screw it in, and one to say "My six-year-old could do that!"
October 15, 2007
Question: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Ten - one to do it, the other nine to complain that it's electric.
October 22, 2007
"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator temporarily out of order' sign, just 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.'" (Mitch Hedberg)
November 5, 2007
"Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a pinata." (Jim Samuels)
November 12, 2007
"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem." (Woody Allen)
November 26, 2007
Question: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be most known for? Answer: Their incredible age!
December 3, 2007
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."
December 10, 2007
Question: How do you get down from an elephant? Answer: You don't -- you get down from a duck.
January 21, 2008
Question: How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one - but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
February 4, 2008
Question: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Four - one to screw it in, and three to hold everything else constant.
February 11, 2008
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
February 18, 2008
Remember -- avoid cliches like the plague!
February 25, 2008
What happens when none of your bees wax?
March 10, 2008
Patient: Doctor, I sure hope I'm sick. Doctor: Why in the world would you say that? Patient: Because I'd hate to be well and feel like this!
March 24, 2008
If someone tries to fail and succeeds, which did he do?
April 14, 2008
"If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice." (Conan O'Brien)
April 28, 2008
Don't sweat the petty things - and don't pet the sweaty things.
May 5, 2008
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. (Thanks to Alice Curry for this week's joke.)
May 19 & May 26, 2008
Why were the police called to the day care center? A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
June 2 & June 9, 2008
Question: What happened to the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder? Answer: He got a little behind in his work.
June 16 & June 23, 2008
Question: What happened to the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder? Answer: He got a little behind in his work.
June 30 & July 7, 2008
"A day without sunshine is like ... night." (Steve Martin)
July 28 & August 4, 2008
"The more fonts in a document, the less content it has." (Guy Kawasaki)
August 18, 2008
"Why do they call it a 'building'? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a 'built'?" (Jerry Seinfeld)
August 25, 2008
A barking dog never bites. Well, at least not while it's barking.
September 1, 2008
"I don't have six-pack abs; I have the whole case." (Reno Goodale)
September 22, 2008
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." (Robert Benchley)
October 6, 2008
Question: How many country musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Five - one to do it, and four to sing about how much they'll miss the old one.
October 13, 2008
"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the baord, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box." (Jerry Seinfeld)
October 20, 2008
"I'm really upset with the restaurant parking attendants. They won't validate my feelings." (Scott Wood)
October 27, 2008
"It's pretty sad when a person has to lose weight to play Babe Ruth." (John Goodman)
November 17, 2008
"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?" (Tommy Sledge)
December 8, 2008
Question: What do you call someone who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Answer: A professor!
December 22, 2008
Question: What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle? Answer: Neither - candles always burn shorter!
January 19, 2009
Question: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: One.
January 26, 2009
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
February 9, 2009
"I believe that my decision to remain unfit at the age of thirty-four will serve me well in the future, as I'll never have to endure the hushed observation that I've really let myself go." (Janeane Garofalo)
February 16, 2009
Question: Why did Abraham Lincoln wear that tall black hat? Answer: To keep his head warm, of course!
March 2, 2009
"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." (Martin Mull)
March 9, 2009
If you want to know more about paranoid people, follow them around.